I Said I Thought It Was a Good Idea

I remember vividly the day Jordan told me he was enlisting. I was in my driveway spraying ant killer on the vast kingdom of fire ants that invaded and plagued my otherwise picturesque residence. My girls were at the far end of the yard playing on their swing set, the only spot on our property safe from the little red terrors. Jordan pulled into my driveway driving way too fast and with his music way too loud. I smiled a waved, always thrilled that my little brother chose to hang out at my house. We sat under the carport so we could be in the shade and still see the girls. We talked for awhile with the ease of friendship, an outsider would never gather from our relationship that we once were children that had to be separated for fighting.

Then Jordan got that look in his eye that he gets when I am supposed to go from friend mode into big sister/second mother mode because he is about to ask me for advice. It still amazes me that my younger siblings look up to me after all the brutal beating I gave them and all of the allowance money I conned from them. But they do - all of them, but none more than Jordan. I have the advantage of easily remembering what it is like to be a child striving for membership into the adult realm, and the knowledge, even if it is novice, of how this adult world works. I can give them both sides, and have often been called in to referee between them and our parents because I can give an un-bias opinion on each side. I’d seen this look in Jordan’s eyes before. Usually it was about a girl, or a bad grade, an argument with Moma, or a sticky situation he needed help with. The look in his eyes on that humid day was very similar to the look I was accustomed to seeing, but there was something slightly different. If I looked deep enough, I could see that he wasn’t about to ask me something so much as he was about to tell me something. There was a confidence, an unfamiliar maturity in his look.

“I think I’m gonna enlist, Sis,” he calmly stated. Jordan has one attitude about life – laid back.

“Enlist in what?” What was he talking about? We told each other everything, and I hadn’t heard anything about this yet!

“In the Air Force. I’m headed over to the office now, but I wanted to talk to you first.”

I didn’t know what to say. I always know what to say. I thought for a few moments. Jordan is a smart, kind, fun loving guy. He had tried several life plans, but the end goal, up until that point seemed to be to be young and have fun. He needed direction and a purpose. He needed to grow up and become a respectable adult and channel his energy and unique intelligence into something positive.

“I think that would be a good idea.” I finally said.

I rationalized that the war was surely about over, and that he would have years of training before they could send him anywhere. By the time he was ready for deployment, he would probably be sent to Hawaii to guard the military's kegs of beer and patrol bikini clad beaches. He would get a good education, get to see the world, and finally earn the respect he deserved.

I thought it was a good idea.

I don’t know if he would have left my house and went to the office and enlisted if I had said that I thought it was a bad idea. I will always wonder. I like to think that he would. I would like to think that he had already made up his mind and just came to me for that last bit of encouragement. I hope that the assurance and determination that I saw in his eyes was valid and not something I made up afterwards to make myself feel better.

I said I thought it was a good idea.

At the time it was, I guess. Maybe it still is. He has gotten and is getting a wonderful education, and he is getting to see the world. It’s just not the part of the world I want him to see. He has the respect he deserves, but a large part of me wishes he was still that carefree kid that would pull into my driveway driving way too fast and with his music up way too loud.

I said I thought it was a good idea, and because I said that, I feel like I owe an apology to our parents and grandparents and to Lindsay and to everyone else that loves this sweet young man so much.

I’m the oldest of six and therefore have an unusually overbearing personality. I am bossy. I am a planner. I am a fixer. I fix things in this family when they are messed up. This is messed up and I can’t fix it and I am sorry. I am sorry because I told him that I thought it was a good idea and now I can’t sleep at night wondering what would have happened if I hadn’t said,

I thought I was a good idea.

-posted by Jaime